It is very frustrating not being able to be who I am, demonstrating who I am, and what I can be. Regularly feeling like you are being rejected, denied, frowned upon on within relationships and work is frustrating. The requirement to be a certain way to fit in and be accepted is devastating, frustrating, irritating and down right maddening. It pisses me off as an adolescent and as an adult. It causes me to modify my behaviors some, to try to gain acceptance and love. Yet it also makes me rebel and want to stand up and fight.
A lot of the rebel comes from my family background. We were taught to be the best we can be; not to accept limitations, but find out how to overcome them. So fight I did and do. My adjustments at times are trying to accommodate the limitations I am feeling. This means that being all that I could be has to be tempered. Standing out or being blatant has not and continues a great deal of the time not to work. The process of conformity has been well learned. This is not always a good thing.
Playing by someone else’s rules can be a benefit, but creates great limitations also in expressing my gifts and talents, In school I did not apply myself to the degree I could. I am sure part of my need to being accepted was contributed to by moving all the time and having to always start over with developing friends. That has been a major challenge for me for years and to this day.
My feistiness comes out then when people give in and do not present their talent. I fight that everyday for myself in almost every environment I find myself in. I cope with it by down playing my abilities or pointing out the lack of perfection I display by degrading myself some so as not to stand out. Put downs cause me to shut up. I have questions and process information, but if it angers someone I will shut up and not proceed with the discussion and then I will not present any further ideas. I will give up trying to be a team player and work independently so that I can do my best and try new and different things.
Excelling is something that is definitely ingrained in me. However, I have to balance that with being accepted. And that can be a treacherous route. The desire is to be accepted by peers, colleagues, authorities, etc. I want to soar, but feel my wings are clipped at times. I want to make things happen and beat my head against a brick wall fairly often. Yet I know I am recognized, acknowledged and look to as a leader. Then comes the fear of not being good enough, of letting people down, being responsible to perform at a high level on a consistent basis. The double edge sword and the frustration of even experiencing those mixed feelings are very aggravating.
These experiences and feelings are what I do not want others to have to experience. I want them to know the joy of being who they are and soaring among the clouds and being recognized for their abilities and gifts. I want them to develop their potential to the fullest and not justify why they should not do so. I do want to protect them from some of the pain. I know pain is part of life lessons and experiences, but my nurturing and mothering nature comes out. I want to soar and I want to see others soar. I want them to own their potential and develop it. I want them not to provide excuse after excuse why they cannot soar. I want to keep from making excuses for myself and not feel that it is inappropriate to soar and soar and soar. I want to dance with joy and shout at the top of my lungs the exuberance in finding, discovering, exploring, strutting, excelling, being the best damn whatever it is I can or want to be and do. Yes I want to sing my song, my praises, toot my own horn for being damn good at what I can do and do it. I want others to do the same thing and feel good about it also. I don’t want others to take any guff from whomever, that they should not pursue the dreams and desires and stand out!!!! It is not arrogance, or it does not have to be, to be very proud of your own accomplishments and what you give of yourself. The world needs your gifts as much as you need to be able to express them. And yes I want the world to know what I can do and how I can help. I want each and every gifted person to develop and express their gifts to the fullest and not feel guilty about being good, damn good. Soar today, strut your gifts – a responsibility and a joy.
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